​Unconditional love. The stuff that dreams are made of. You, I can do no wrong in the eyes of the beloved. a topic, a thesis, a book in its own right- a concept which has and continues to mystify and magnetize the human species.

However, I am not talking about the intoxicating misty eyed unconditional love of another or for another. I am talking about unconditional love of the self, myself.

It is a word, a phrase which is thrown around a lot, "you got to learn to love yourself", For me, this feels like an order to steep. I am talking from the I, because I can not assume that you, the reader feels the same. Though my hope is that my experience is shared and that these musings may offer you something. 

Can I really love myself unconditionally? I am not sure I can. Yet anyway. Perhaps, self compassion, self acceptance, self forgiveness, self curiosity feel like easier terms to swallow. 

I might find it easy to practice the above terms which for the sake of ease, I will encapsulate in a single term, "self accept" (I will forgive myself for being lazy) when I am adhering and conforming to my "ideals"- when I am being a "good human". When I am investing in expanding my knowledge, when I am following a healthy eating and exercise routine, when I am "working" on myself and feel like I am "growing", when I meditate daily, when I do kind acts and say the right thing. Yes when I do these things, I can, kind of look at my reflection in the mirror and through misty eyes say, "my love, I accept you, just as you are".

The problem arises when I abscond from my diligent practice and fall  into less favorable ways- when I procrastinate, wake up late, binge, fall into old ways of communicating, have ugly thoughts, say ugly things, watch mind numbing tv instead of do exercise, hit snooze instead of meditate......the list goes on, "damn you, you undisciplined, useless mess, get your bloody act together! You've failed!....Yet again!" (The list goes on- you get the jist). The scornful and terrifying rise from the depths of my mind I am flooded with shame and self loathing, regret, guilt and the rest. 

It occurred to me, that it is during these times that I am my own friend in need.  It is here that, in my view- it may be time to press the "self accept" button. "Oh so your saying its OK to fall into unhelpful and unhealthy ways and sit back on your well cushioned TV watching junk food eating laurels?!". Well no. I am saying that, I am human and I am therefore by default- flawed and infallible, I can't help but fuck up and perhaps its in these moments when we are feeling so less than worthy that we most need the soothing balm of "self acceptance". In my experience it is through "making peace" with these "dirty" parts of ourselves that we can actually gain greater insight and awareness into the whys and hows of our destructive behaviours and thus enable and allow real shifts and growth to take place. 

It is, I feel, a balance - the balance of acceptance and effort, effort and acceptance, so perhaps "wise self acceptance" is a more complete and healthy term. 

A work in progress and a work perhaps never done- the self persecutor is a well honed master of his/her trade. So maybe, the next time you find yourself berating yourself for snapping or bitching, eating cake, saying yes when you really meant no, etc etc, maybe take a pause and recognise your friend in need and offer the soothing, compassionate and non-judgemental words you would so freely offer to your most beloved to your imperfectly perfect self.  


(Picture: Courtesy of google)

​I remember my first alcoholic drink. I was about 13. A seedy nightclub in Bahrain. I was new to the school and I along with my fellow neewby had been invited, by the more the more established school goers, to join them on a "night out". 

I had always been a chronically shy child, I could barely look you in the eye and was always consumed by the sense of being inadequate. New social encounters caused me crippling anxiety. I feel, my social and self dis-ease was not helped by periodic bouts of bullying during my younger years and teens by both students and my  primary school head teacher, who liked to point out my lack of intelligence and the comical value of my front teeth. 

My friend and I arrived at the "club". There was a bar and it was "ladies night" that mean't you could drink as much as you wanted for free. I was not alcohol naive. I had grown up around heavy drinking and had dabbled in a glass of alcohol here and there and liked the effect.

"Five shots of vodka please". To this day I remember the fiery liquid scorching the back of my throat and the heat surge through my body. Suddenly I had the overwhelming sense, of what I can only describe, as arriving. The sense of finally being comfortable in my own skin. I felt liberated, unchained from the crippling anxiety, self doubt and self loathing. My voice escaped me, freely. I could talk and look you in the eye, I could laugh out loud. This was magical. This was the answer. 

Fifteen years of destruction followed.

I found sobriety 5 years ago. I was cast back to the feeling of dislocation. Muted.

I found yoga or yoga found me shortly after I'd put down my last drink.  My motivation for starting? Nothing profound. I was bored of my then, current exercise routine.  After a few classes I noticed that I began to feel more...integrated? That my head and body were attached, one functioning system. The sense of feeling like my skin was home. My skin was a safe space to be. My skin was ok. 

When apathy beats me or time escapes me and I miss a few days. I feel that feeling of dislocation creep into me again and once again I feel like "tin man", brittle and dislocated, like a vortex has opened within me and is pulling me inwards.

For me, yoga is not about hipster studios, epic poses and patterned leggings, though these things are nice.  For me yoga is a system, a practice, a philosophy which helps me come home to my self and be ok there. 

Rebecca, MSc, works as a counsellor in London and has experience working with addiction, trauma and other complex issues. Rebecca is passionate about the field of therapy and wellbeing. Rebecca's practice is guided by the time she spent in Asia learning and practicing different Eastern philosophies and practices, viewing each individual holistically. Rebecca feels passionately that when provided with a nurturing and facilitative environment, individuals can begin to uncover their own wisdom, courage and unique potential. www.healtransformgrow.com

Moments of awareness. The experience? Like a veil lifted, the missing puzzle piece, found. The penny- dropped.  How? Is it a book we read? The outcome of a dedicated practice - be it meditation, yoga. A song we hear? Self work- through therapy or journaling? A sudden moment of razor sharp clarity which cuts through the sticky, gluppy fog.

Suddenly I can see, everything makes sense.

Is this enough? Is my work here done?

In my experience- the moment of awareness can be profound, it can weaken your knees and leave you stunned. To open yourself to receive this awareness takes courage, because it hurts and can throw into question your entire reality. The apples are rolling across the floor. 

I had thought- this is enough. I can rest here now.

Wrong.

Old habits, thoughts, ways of being, ways of relating and ways of behaving persisted. How so? I am aware of them now. I felt more trapped because now I was aware of my dysfunctional ways. My conscience rose within me whilst simultaneously I acted out as I had always done. I felt paralysed. I was angry. I was angry with myself and angry for knowing what needed to be done. I think it was easier when I wasn't so aware, there was a comfort in my own self ignorance. 

Ahaa 

The next phase

Action. This may seem obvious, but it wasn't to me.

In order for me to move past my dysfunctions and honor my awareness I must act.

I must act differently I must do differently, I must challenge my dysfunctional ways ​ways of being, ways of relating and ways of behaving. This, in my experience, is a slow and often painful process- often feeling like one step forward, ten back. How we do this? I think we can find our own way, or perhaps multitude of ways...Journaling, therapy, self help books, fellowship groups, a supportive network, meditation...the list goes on. A different day, a different approach perhaps. The greatest key for me has been patience, persistence and compassion with myself. It takes courage to challenge our old ways and the disruption it creates in our life and relationships can be wrenching. It can be easy to fall into the self flagellation trap. Be kind to yourself my friends. Recognize the progress however small and trust that with your patience and persistence, change will happen. Old sayings - often sound cliche, Ill forgive myseff for saying, Rome was not built in a day.

We had a brief look at Meditation ...why ?? This time a mini look at what it is. This is, of course, a vast topic and the subject of many learned volumes which stretch back over thousands of years in some cases. Probably this is what makes the whole topic a little scary, we may well perceive Meditation to be involved and difficult and we may believe that it has to be attached to certain outcomes

Neither of these fears are really true. Simply to sit quietly for a few minutes and to be aware of the sensations of breathing through the nose is a straight  forward yet effective Meditation practice. This simple process is sufficient to start to release us from the tyranny of our continuous thought patterns, "the madhouse in the mind", as I have seen it described ....it is not difficult and it is not supposed to be. I have read a Zennist teaching which describes spiritual work as, "the practice of non-practice", in other words our task ( such as it is ) is one of surrender and letting go ....just as a pebble dropped into a stream gently sinks to the bed and nestles in the sand .....as the teaching quaintly describes.

Also we should not be too concerned about outcomes or results. Expert practitioners can achieve elevated levels of consciousness into realms beyond that of the material world and for some fortunate few progress can be rapid. We all have the same potential but most of us need more patience....more likely our endeavors will be evidenced, in the early stages , by moments of joyous awareness of a flower, tree or insect and by a lighter and more balanced state of mind.

To follow simple Meditation is to be kind to the self. We are spiritual beings with mystic connection way beyond bodily form . We need to give ourselves a chance by creating some space and quiet within.

Pictures; courtesy of google
by James (Guest writer)

Do you feel anxious when you wake up in the morning? In this video I discuss the importance of a morning routine in setting ourselves up for the day.